But many more progressive, supposedly comprehensive classes aren’t much better, often focused predominantly on risk and danger: avoiding pregnancy and preventing disease. Most states still require sex education to stress abstinence (a legit option, for sure, as long as it’s one among many: not a mandate that equates sexually active teens with, say, chewed pieces of gum). The vast majority of teenagers, though, who did have conversations like these with their parents - and boys even more than girls - described them as at least somewhat influential on their thinking. Most had never been told by parents not to catcall girls or use degrading terms such as “bitches” or “hoes” - this despite the fact that nearly 90 percent of the girls in the survey reported having been sexually harassed.Īdults may assume those ideas are self-evident, beyond the need for comment, but given the rates of coercion, misconduct and assault among men both young and old, boys are clearly not getting the message by osmosis.
According to a 2017 national survey of 3,000 high school students and young adults by the Making Caring Common Project, a large majority of boys never had a single conversation with their parents about, for instance, how to be sure that your partner “wants to be - and is comfortable - having sex with you,” or about what it meant to be a “a caring and respectful sexual partner.” About two-thirds had never heard from their parents that they shouldn’t have sex with someone who is too intoxicated to consent. Yet that silence has troubling implications. I can’t say that I blame them: It’s excruciating, and it’s not like our own parents offered a template. Certainly not with their parents, most of whom would rather poke themselves in the eye with a fork than speak frankly to their sons about sex. Because, it’s like the girl is just there as a means for him to get off and a means for him to brag.”įew of the boys had previously had such conversations. So to do that, you’re going to be dominating. As one high school junior explained: “Guys need to prove themselves to their guys.
To make real change we need to tackle something larger and more systemic: the pervasive culture that urges boys toward disrespect and detachment in their intimate encounters.ĭespite a new imperative to be scrupulous about affirmative consent, young men are still subject to incessant messages that sexual conquest - being always down for sex, racking up their “body count,” regardless of how they or their partner may feel about it - remains the measure of a “real” man, and a reliable path to social status. Weinstein ends up with (fingers crossed) the longest prison sentence in history. But shining light on a problem won’t, in itself, solve it, not even if Mr. The #MeToo movement has exposed sexual misconduct, coercion and harassment across every sector of society. I thought about those boys this week as I watched Harvey Weinstein, in an Oscar-worthy performance of abject harmlessness, hobble on his walker into the New York Supreme Court in Manhattan. To put it in teenage parlance, they wanted to know whether it was truly possible to “hit it and quit it.” Strictly speaking, of course, even indifference is a feeling, but I knew what they meant: They wanted to know if they could have sex without caring: devoid of vulnerability, even with disregard for a partner. A while back, during a discussion I was having with a group of high school students about sexual ethics, a boy raised his hand to ask me, “Can you have sex without feelings?” The other guys in the room nodded, leaned forward, curious, maybe a little challenging.